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the modesty talks

A post-Mormon exploration.

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I grew up poor and watching my mom insist on paying tithing as the world around her burned. She was caught in a vicious cycle the church propagated, and I was reminded of her pain with the allegations the church misused tithing funds. Read my story at the link in bio.

I hadn’t been back to Utah since I left Mormonism until this year, and now I’ve been back twice. The first time was all about learning to allow myself to grieve; the second time was about learning how to let go of the pain of leaving. I did a little ritual to help myself process things — read about it at the link in my bio.

A month ago, my mother passed away at 51. She had been sick for a long time, but it was still a shock. I mourned not only her existence, but also the life she lost so many years before she actually passed away. The depth of my heartbreak seems to be unknowable. We also hadn’t spoken a word to one another since 2013, and I’ve spent the last month trying to come to terms with the knowledge that I’ll have to live with that decision for the rest of my life, just like she did. While I still believe it was for the best, that doesn’t diminish the incredibly complicated pain and love we both dealt with, and I’m nowhere near coming to terms with it. I’ve been thinking a lot about how we deal with death once we leave Mormonism. I don’t have any firm answers there, either, but my thoughts are at the link in my bio. To everyone who’s dealt with something similar, my heart goes out to you.

660 people responded to my survey asking ex-Mormons why they left the LDS church. I’m going to take a deeper look at the findings over the next few weeks, but the first post with a general overview of the results is up now at the link in my bio! Take the survey yourself at the link in the post.

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